Reflections on the past year...

The past year has been crazy. With High Holy Days this month, I got to thinking about the past year and it's developments.

In the past year, I wasn't pregnant, I was pregnant, I thought I was going to lose her, we found out about her hand, Dave got a promotion, Dave was in the ER, and we had our baby. Whew...that's a lot and a lot in a bunch of different directions. To say that I am thankful and blessed by G-d would be an understatement. Words cannot convey my appreciation to him for blessing us like he has.

Yom Kippur was yesterday and I thought about my sins, the sins I had committed. In Judaism sin is looked at differently than in Christianity. It isn't like I cussed and needed to repent. It is more so who have I done wrong or hurt, intentionally or un, why did I do so and what can I do to make amens. I can honestly say that in the past year I hurt people that love me. I hurt them not intentionally, but un because I couldn't get pregnant. It was maddening and I shared that madness at all costs and with everyone. It was wrong, but misery loves company so it is what I did. I was reading my old blog and an astonished that I ever said the things that I said and felt the things I felt.

I learned a lot this year. I learned that I am much stronger than I thought that I was. For starters, my pregnancy was a mess. Sure it got me Gracie, but for me being pregnant was not some great experience. There is nothing tranquil about going to the ER and hoping that your baby is still alive. It was hard. Then, just when I thought that it would ease up, we found out about her hand.

Her hand. Where do I begin. No one ever talks about the things that can go wrong while your pregnant. We live on mantras of "ten fingers, ten toes", but no one ever thinks that something can go wrong. When we had that 3-D ultrasound, for once, I wasn't afraid of what might happen...and that time I should have been. You never want to be pregnant and hear silence, then the words, "When is your next appointment?" At that moment I stopped breathing. My baby, who I had fought so hard to get and keep, had something wrong with her. It wasn't fair. That's how I felt. It was the worst day of my life to date. I felt as if I had let her down. Once we got confirmation from Riverside that there was something wrong with her hand, I began to cope. Most people are afraid of labor hurting, but not me. I was afraid of what her hand would look like. I know that that is insanely shallow and vapid, but I was and I can never take that back.

Now...now I have fully accepted it. I think. G-d knew that we'd love her like no one else good and gave her to us. For that I am grateful and honored that G-d trusted me with her.

In July, I thought that I was going to be a single mom. I honestly thought that I was going to lose Dave. I have never been so afraid in my life. I was afraid that Gracyn would never know what a good man that her Daddy was and how much he loved her. But again, G-d blessed us.

I guess saying that I am thankful wouldn't even be close. But, as I sit here I am overwhelmed with emotion because I am so blessed. I look at my husband and I am thankful for him for being here for me and to G-d for him being here. I look at my daughter and, at times, am still amazed that she is here and that I made her. I honestly remember sitting at the computer last October looking at adoption information fully believing that I would never get pregnant. All I can say is that this has been an amazing year and one that, despite it's heart breaks and aches, I am thankful for.